Do You Let Yourself Receive?

I think it was May of 2021—school was starting in September—and I was on the phone with the admin team asking how long I could wait before officially committing to the program. I was SO resistant to starting grad school. I wished there was a way to be a licensed therapist without attending school. Not because I didn’t like school, but because I didn’t want my life to change so much. Isn’t that funny? Thinking we are in charge of exactly how life will change.

And it did change everything: my job, schedule, time, finances, relationships. And: my perspective, confidence, experience, community, people I interacted with, people I learned from.

This past Friday, I was waiting in the gym with my fellow graduates, holding back tears (and letting them out) because all I felt was gratitude and pride for those around me. The room was teeming with grown ass adults beaming from ear to ear because they were so happy to have accomplished what they set out to do (we are all just kids). If it seems cheesy, it is and it was because it was so damn pure. Adults! Parents of toddlers and teenagers, classmates who worked three jobs, former teachers and future counselors—taking pictures in front of banners and hugging each other, congratulating one another.

To quantify the growth between 2021 and now would be impossible but what I can say for certain is that not every journey may feel smooth and easy—perhaps not even enjoyable at times—but that doesn’t even come close to signifying that it’s not “right” for you.

On Receiving

I’ve learned over the years that if you’d like to have a birthday and feel celebrated on that day, you must initiate that celebration—tell your friends where you’d like to go, make a reservation, coordinate with the local wine shop and decorate your space.

Communicate what you have in mind.

Months leading up to graduation, I kept brushing it off— “I don’t know, graudations are pretty lame. They kinda suck and are too long” “Whatever, I’m not going to have a party, my friends are all over the place, it will be too difficult to coordinate”. My dismissiveness and agitation towards the topic was ~not cute!~ (especially for Jed who, God bless him, was trying to plan a surprise) but it was representative of what I was feeling at the time: unrest, uncertainty, confusion at this chapter coming to a close.

Every time I chatted with someone about this, they gently nudged me to embrace it and celebrate in some way. And I’m really glad I listened. Because when the day came, emotions were coursing through my body—walking across the stage at 31 feels worlds different than it did at 22.

Sometimes, we rush through life and tell ourselves that it’s self absorbed and frivolous to stop and be proud. To be joyous and present in the moment.

Anxiety in particular is incredibly good at convincing us to feel guilty amidst the good times.

What is the worst thing that might happen if you simply let yourself be in your joy?

Do you let yourself feel celebrated? Do you let yourself celebrate? Do you let yourself receive? Receive support, love, joy?