How Do I Process These Feelings?
We receive so much information about regulating our nervous systems, developing positive coping skills, processing our feelings, fostering healthy relationships, yet what is the “how” to these things?
My unofficial short answer is: it simply takes practice. Let’s focus on the topic of feeling our feelings and communicating them. I truly believe it takes a bit of trial and error. There have been numerous times I feel I’ve miscommuncated, or haven’t listened well or have taken things personally. There are other times I haven’t communicated at all, out of fear of xyz (fill in whatever feels aligned for you—can you identify that fear?).
However, part of relating in this world is communicating and holding space for one another. Part of that usually involves feelings. Sometimes we want to process those feelings with others, sometimes we do not.
I was inspired by this graphic I saw from experience onsite which was ironic, because just days before I had texted a friend, “do you have a moment to listen/process?”
Before you say, “that’s too formal and calculated” or “that’s not realistic”—GIVE IT A TRY! The truth is, if you have habits around getting “caught up” in the emotions of others, this practice is a massively healthy thing to try, even if it feels stiff at first.
Something I bring up in couples therapy a lot is that these tools can be incredibly effective, BUT both people have to actually want to reach a resolution.
If the goal is to simply be angry and put blame on the other person (or thing or situation etc), this will definitely not work and not feel good!
Here are six steps to walk yourself through when feeling feelings.
Perhaps the hardest: being with the emotion(s) first. Yes in the discomfort. Yes in the uncertainty. Let yourself be in it for a bit. Especially if you feel reactive. This is hard for me, a recovering “need-to-fix-everything-immediately” person, anyone else?
Next, identify what exactly the feeling is (look at the “emotion wheel” if you want some help!). Try to go beyond “this feels bad” or “I’m upset”—challenge yourself to get specific. It can also change with time and space.
Was there a particular event that triggered this feeling? What story am I telling myself about this event?
What feelings are mine? What do I want to communicate? Do I want to communicate?
What would make me feel understood and supported?
Communicate (if that is what you landed on)! Whether that is simply processing with someone or engaging in a clarifying conversation.
